Once again I find a missive from Poetry.com in my mailbox. Not my inbox, my actual, physical mailbox. I'm starting a pool to guess how long it will take them to figure out that they are never going to get a dime from me, and give up. The twelfth of never is already taken.
This one says:
Dear Paul
I am delighted to inform you that your poem "Beleaguered" (you remember Beleaguered, don't you?) has been awarded our prestigious Editor's Choice Award because it displays a unique perspective and original creativity -- judged to be the qualities most found in exceptional poetry. Congratulations on your achievement.
The certificate pictured is not actually a certificate at all. It is just printed on the bottom half of the letter.
They go on:
Your poem is also featured in a Deluxe Hardbound edition, which, as expected, will soon be sold out. (could that be because they only ever print the number they take orders for?) We have, however, reserved a limited number of copies that are now available only to poets included in this distictive volume. Because you are one of these poets, and if you haven't already ordered a copy, or wish to obtain additional copies, this is your last opportunity to do so.
Oh, and one final note. Many people have asked if we can make available a commemorative plaque to present their poetry in formal fashion. we are glad to be able to do this. Your poem can be beautifully typeset on archival quality vellum with your choice of borders, then mounted on a walnut-finish plaque under lucite. The 10 1/2 by 13 inch plaques are truly impressive ways to exhibit your work. They also make wonderful gifts. Please see the enclosed material for further information. Again, congratulations on your achievement.
The "enclosed material" they mention is, of course, an order form. As has been mentioned in earlier journal entries, I can be the proud owner of a "Deluxe Hardbound Edition" containing hundreds of poems as bad as mine, or worse, for only $49.95 US plus $11.00 shipping and handling. My poem mounted on a walnut-finish plaque can be mine for the low, low price of $38.00 US. Plus, of course, the $11.00 shipping and handling. No wonder they are "glad to be able to do this." They're making a killing on it.
As on their previous letter to me, they have included a little note on the top of the letter that is supposed to look like someone's handwriting. You'll recall that on my first snail mail receipt from them, they would have had me believe that someone had hand written the words "Excellent Poem" on the proof sheet. This one says, "Howard, Paul's verse is wonderfully expressive -- I suggest you also select it for the 'Sounds of Poetry' - C.S." Very clever, trying to make me think I'm privy to an internal communique.
Sure enough, there is another letter included in this package. It bears the bold heading: NOTE FROM HOWARD ELY (check out the signature on the 'certificate')
Dear Paul,
Every so often, as our Editors review the poems that have been presented our Editor's Choice Award, they personally select a few poems that they believe would have a wonderfully expressive (oddly familiar phrase, that) quality if read by a professional reader. Your Editor has suggested that you become one of 33 poets whose artistry will be recorded professionally as a special part of a new CD poetry collection - The Sound of Poetry.
I'm writing to get your permission to include your poem "Beleaguered" is this highly acclaimed and internationally distributed three-album collection, scheduled to be released four weeks after we receive all permissions (read paid orders).
The Sound of Poetry, released as a 33-track, three album Cd set...features an insiring introduction as a prelude to the selected artistry... yada yada yada... get to the point... oh, here it is...
And Paul, if you wish to obtain a copy of this 3 CD set (the entire 3 album collection costs just $49.00 plus {$11.00} shipping and handling)...please remember to to enclose payment, or specify your credit card number and expiration.
I like to make fun, but it is important to remember that these clowns have been in business for years. They are exceptionally good at what they do. And just in case you haven't been paying attention, what it is they are good at is not publishing poetry, it is separating uninformed, idealistic people from their money.
