I 'ku about you

   Here's me playing along again. This week at poetry dance©, the challenge is haiku. Dawn writes:

Now ... for the clincher...I'd like you to find another journal or blog and write a Haiku about it.

So I did. Twice.

sun burns bright above
the shadow of the iris
quivers in the grass


five bags hang in turn
for the preservation of
just one girl's head noise

It's called a bio poem

Paul
reticent and consise, cautious yet cool
son of an in betweener living in a new world
who is outspoken, opinionated, and coldly rational
lover of music, fellowship, and warmth
who fears loneliness, love, and the unknown
who needs encouragement, love, and support
who gives validation, love, and huge hugs
who would like an end to war, poverty, and bad soap operas
resident of the real world
Paul

It's called a bio poem, according to the folks over at poetry dance©. I played along. You can too. Just go visit.

Haiku

A sand so white

Another poem created using the online fridge magnet poetry generator. A fun challenge.

I am cordially invited...

   I was doing a crossword puzzle today, and the answer to one of the clues was Beleaguered, and I remembered that I had something new to post here. No, it's not a poem. It is, however, another letter from those silver-tongued devils at Poetry.com. Here is how this one starts out:

A hush suddenly falls over the audience...imagine yourself at an international gathering of over a thousand poets...publishers...editors...your friends and family...all waiting expectantly for the announcement. Finally it comes...

"Ladies and gentlemen and fellow poets...the winner of the largest cash prize ever awarded to an amateur poet...our Poet of the Year for 2005...and Grand Prize winner of $20,000.00 is...

Paul Little!"

You make your way to the stage amidst the sound of thunderous applause and a standing ovation from your new friends.

We're familiar with your work, Paul, and you know...
it could happen just that way!

   Wow! Are you excited? I'm excited. The letter goes on:

Dear Paul

I would like to inform you of your nomination as Poet of the year for 2005 and to personally invite you to read your poetry at the single largest gathering of poets in history, where you will be formally inducted as an International Poet of Merit and Honored member of our Society for 2005-2006.

Your induction will take place Friday, August 19th, in the United States capital, Washington, D.C., during the 2005 International Society of Poets Summer Convention and Symposium.

You will also be honored with two separate and very special awards for your poetic acheivement.

First, to honor and commemorate your poetic accomplishments, after you present your poetry in front of fellow poets from around the world, you will be presented with your "Outstanding Acheivement in Poetry" Silver Award Bowl. The award is a magnificent work of art in itself (a $200.00 value), uniquely engraved and mounted on a beautiful cherry-wood base. This impressive Silver Award Bowl is so large and heavy, you may need an extra suitcase just to carry it home!

And Paul, there's much more...

In recognition of your poetry, we will also create and present to you a beautiful and colorful Commemorative Award Medallion to honor your poetic dedication and achievements.

   Wait a minute. Didn't I already win both a Silver Award Bowl, and a Commemorative Award Medallion? I thought so. I guess, since I didn't buy-I mean claim-my award last time, that they thought they'd give me another chance.
   The rest of the package is pretty standard: an order form explaining just how much it is going to cost me to accept these wondrous honors. It seems that I can attend the Convention in D.C. for a measly $595.00. That's, uh, not including accomodation, or any meals. Hmm, a little math here...they said thousands of poets would be attending, didn't they? At $595 each? That's a pretty big haul.
  Wait a minute again. I didn't get to the last page yet. Listen to this: entertaining at the Convention all weekend long will be... Tony Orlando. Well, that makes it all worth it.

edit: June 30. Since I received this via snail mail, I have received the identical missive three times via e-mail. They're nothing if not persistant.

edit: Five minutes later. Oh my God! While I was writing the previous edit, my inbox chimed, and it was another one of those letters. What does that mean?

I'm so excited!

   Look what I got today in my e-mail. According to Mr Howard Ely, managing editor of poetry.com, I am a who.

 

Dear Paul,

Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has appeared on the Internet and in various editions released by other poetry publishers in America and Europe. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry is pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for inclusion in ...

The International Who's Who in Poetry

Congratulations on your accomplishment, Paul. We look forward to publishing your biographical information on a page dedicated entirely to you. Along with your biographical information, we plan to also include in depth information about your poetry, including your motivations, the meaning poetry has in your life, and your personal philosophical point of view. In addition to dedicating a page entirely to you and your personal background, we have also reserved a second complete page that will be used to showcase a new, unpublished poem that you will provide. This means that ...

The International Who's Who in Poetry will feature two full pages dedicated exclusively to Paul Little!

And that's not all. To honor the accomplishments of the talented individuals who will be participating in this historic project, we will be awarding $4,175.00 in prizes for the best new poems we receive for publication. You are automatically eligible to win, but you must submit your biographical information and a new unpublished poem on the enclosed entry form. Prizes will be announced August 1st, with an anticipated publication date of October 2005.

The International Who's Who in Poetry will be among the finest quality and most interesting books we have ever produced. Poets from several nations around the world will be featured. Every aspect of publication and design will display an uncompromising level of craftsmanship and attention to detail. This four hundred page coffee-table quality book will be printed in two colors on fine milled paper and will feature a highly detailed, ornate cover, and quality typography throughout. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or a highly valued personal gift.

NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER

Before going any further, Paul, let me make one thing clear ... you were selected for inclusion in this project based on your unique talent and previous poetic accomplishments. We believe you to be one of the most interesting poets we have encountered, so we have set aside two entire pages that will be devoted exclusively to you and your poetry in this special edition. In this regard you are under no obligation whatsoever to submit any entry fee, any subsidy payment, or to make any purchase of any kind.

Of course, many people do wish to acquire the books that have pages dedicated to themselves and their poetic artistry. If this is the case, we welcome your order--and guarantee your satisfaction. Please see the enclosed material for special discount information if you would like to order a copy of The International Who's Who in Poetry. Also, for an additional discount, you may wish to order supplementary copies for gift-giving to your friends and family, to display, or for merchandising (see enclosed for case pack discounts).

So What Happens Now?

As soon as you submit your biographical information and new, unpublished poem, we will typeset everything for publication and your poem will be eligible to win over $4,175.00 in prizes that will be awarded to the poets who are participating in this historic project. You will receive by mail a typeset "Artist's Proof" of both your biographical information and poem for your review and approval prior to publication. And let me assure you, your poem remains your property -- The International Who's Who in Poetry is copyrighted as a compilation. This means you retain all rights to your own work of art.

Paul, please send us your biographical information and new poem right away!

In order to make our scheduled publication date, you must submit your biographical information and your new poem as soon as possible. Please feel free to include whatever personal information about yourself and your poetry that you feel would be of most interest to the reader. The new poem you submit must be original and written by you. Your poem may be 24 lines or less, on any subject, and in any style. And if you wish to order a copy of The International Who's Who in Poetry at a special pre-publication discount, please complete the Pre-publication Discount Reservation.

Again, congratulations, Paul. We enjoy your poetic artistry and look forward to dedicating two entire pages to you and your poetry in The International Who's Who in Poetry.

Sincerely,

Howard Ely
Managing Editor

P.S. Paul, you should be genuinely proud of your accomplishment. You have been nominated to participate in The International Who's Who in Poetry because of your poetic accomplishments. We are pleased that two entire pages of this historic edition will be dedicated exclusively to you and your poetry. And, if you decide to order The International Who's Who In Poetry (including supplementary discounted copies for gift-giving to friends and family, to display, or for merchandising), we are so confident that you will love the quality of the edition and the way your biographical information and poetry is presented, we can proudly offer an unconditional iron-clad guarantee. If for any reason you are not completely thrilled, your money will be promptly refunded.

Submit your biographical information and your new poem now or go to
https://www.poetry.com/poetrybuy/WhosWhoSubmitPoem.asp?VIP=P6736865&SC=D115

Click here to learn more about participating in this historic project.

Please do not reply to this message. If you no longer wish us to notify you of poetic opportunities that we believe may be of interest to you, please click here, or go to http://www.poetry.com/nl/stopemail.asp.

poetry.com * One Poetry Plaza * Owings Mills, MD 21117

 

   I'll tell you what I am. I'm speechless. People actually fall for this crap. Don't you be one of them.

How much is this costing them in postage?

   Once again I find a missive from Poetry.com in my mailbox. Not my inbox, my actual, physical mailbox. I'm starting a pool to guess how long it will take them to figure out that they are never going to get a dime from me, and give up. The twelfth of never is already taken.
   This one says:

Dear Paul

I am delighted to inform you that your poem "Beleaguered" (you remember Beleaguered, don't you?) has been awarded our prestigious Editor's Choice Award because it displays a unique perspective and original creativity -- judged to be the qualities most found in exceptional poetry. Congratulations on your achievement.

   The certificate pictured is not actually a certificate at all. It is just printed on the bottom half of the letter.
   They go on:

Your poem is also featured in a Deluxe Hardbound edition, which, as expected, will soon be sold out. (could that be because they only ever print the number they take orders for?) We have, however, reserved a limited number of copies that are now available only to poets included in this distictive volume. Because you are one of these poets, and if you haven't already ordered a copy, or wish to obtain additional copies, this is your last opportunity to do so.

Oh, and one final note. Many people have asked if we can make available a commemorative plaque to present their poetry in formal fashion. we are glad to be able to do this. Your poem can be beautifully typeset on archival quality vellum with your choice of borders, then mounted on a walnut-finish plaque under lucite. The 10 1/2 by 13 inch plaques are truly impressive ways to exhibit your work. They also make wonderful gifts. Please see the enclosed material for further information. Again, congratulations on your achievement.

   The "enclosed material" they mention is, of course, an order form. As has been mentioned in earlier journal entries, I can be the proud owner of a "Deluxe Hardbound Edition" containing hundreds of poems as bad as mine, or worse, for only $49.95 US plus $11.00 shipping and handling. My poem mounted on a walnut-finish plaque can be mine for the low, low price of $38.00 US. Plus, of course, the $11.00 shipping and handling. No wonder they are "glad to be able to do this." They're making a killing on it.
   As on their previous letter to me, they have included a little note on the top of the letter that is supposed to look like someone's handwriting. You'll recall that on my first snail mail receipt from them, they would have had me believe that someone had hand written the words "Excellent Poem" on the proof sheet. This one says, "Howard, Paul's verse is wonderfully expressive -- I suggest you also select it for the 'Sounds of Poetry' - C.S." Very clever, trying to make me think I'm privy to an internal communique.
   Sure enough, there is another letter included in this package. It bears the bold heading: NOTE FROM HOWARD ELY (check out the signature on the 'certificate')

Dear Paul,

     Every so often, as our Editors review the poems that have been presented our Editor's Choice Award, they personally select a few poems that they believe would have a wonderfully expressive (oddly familiar phrase, that) quality if read by a professional reader. Your Editor has suggested that you become one of 33 poets whose artistry will be recorded professionally as a special part of a new CD poetry collection - The Sound of Poetry.

     I'm writing to get your permission to include your poem "Beleaguered" is this highly acclaimed and internationally distributed three-album collection, scheduled to be released four weeks after we receive all permissions (read paid orders).

     The Sound of Poetry, released as a 33-track, three album Cd set...features an insiring introduction as a prelude to the selected artistry... yada yada yada... get to the point... oh, here it is...

     And Paul, if you wish to obtain a copy of this 3 CD set (the entire 3 album collection costs just $49.00 plus {$11.00} shipping and handling)...please remember to to enclose payment, or specify your credit card number and expiration.

   I like to make fun, but it is important to remember that these clowns have been in business for years. They are exceptionally good at what they do. And just in case you haven't been paying attention, what it is they are good at is not publishing poetry, it is separating uninformed, idealistic people from their money.