The other other shoe drops

  Another day, another piece of mail from Poetry.com. Pardon me, this envelope says it is from The International Society of Poets. Coincidentally, they have the same address as Poetry.com. As you can see, this one is urgent! The enclosed letter reads, in part:

Dear Paul,

     I'm sorry you will be unable to join us at the upcoming International Society of Poets' (they placed the apostrophe correctly this time) Annual Spring Convention and Symposium...

  Odd that. I don't remember turning down an invitation to that event. I don't remember even receiving an invitation, although their previous letter said one was forthcoming. Perhaps 'I'm sorry you will be unable to attend' is simply their polite way of saying, "we decided not to invite you." They go on to say:

As you know, you were selected to be honored at this event, and we were looking forward to your presenting your poetic artistry in front of more than 1800 poets from over 50 countries who will be attending.

  I have a question. If more than 1800 poets will be attending this 'Symposium,' how many turned them down? How many couldn't free up the time, or couldn't afford the admission fee (which this letter doesn't mention; I can only assume I've missed one), or the travelling costs? Just how many of these 'I'm sorry' letters do they send out annually?

     However, because we don't want you to miss out on this unique opportunity altogether, we have arranged a way for you and your poetic accomplishments to be a part of this event in a major way, without you actually being present. Although you will be unable to participate in the convention contest..., you can receive all of the awards we have scheduled for you--including your custom-engraved Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Silver Award Bowl, your bronze Commemorative Award Medallion, and your Full One Year Membership into the International Society of Poets for 2005--if you allow us to present one of your poems at the convention in your place.

  Incroyable! They are going to send me some fancy awards. Lucky me!

     We have arranged  for professional poetry readers to read your poem at this largest gathering of poets in history. Our readers will present your poem with imaginative style, so that your artistry receives the worldwide exposure and recognition that it deserves. Your poem will also be featured in printed form, proudly displayed in a special room at the convention that will be accessible to over 1800 attending poets and guests.

   Professional poetry readers? Imaginative style? Worldwide exposure and recognition? This is where I think the letter goes a bit over the top. I would hope that most people's baloney detectors are starting to flash when they get to this part. Later on they say:

     Paul, all that's required for us to immediately send you all of these Awards is for you to send us a poem to be formally presented at the convention.

  Wait. Didn't I send you a poem already? That's how this whole thing started.

     Additionally, because you will not be present, we must also ask you for the necessary funds ($169.00 plus p+h) to cover the costs of the time and effort required to present your poem before the convention attendees both aloud and in writing, and the costs incurred in insuring and shipping these extremely bulky and heavy Awards to you.

  Ah. Finally we get to the part where they want me to part with some cold hard cash.  A hundred and sixty-nine bucks, huh? I realise professional poetry readers don't come cheap, but how long can it take to read a 16 line poem?  I know, imaginative style and all that, but still...? Once more, they save the best for last...

P.S. Your Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Silver Award Bowl, bronze Commemorative Award Medallion, decal, and patch will be shipped to you by Federal Express and will be accompanied by a 100%money back guarantee of your complete satisfaction. If for any reason you're not 100% delighted with your Awards, simply return them any time within 60 days of receipt for a full refund, no questions asked.

  Waaaiiiit. You said the hundred and sixty-nine bucks was the "costs of the time and effort required to present my poem before the convention attendees." Now you're making it sound like I'm buying these Awards. Which is it?
 
  Which do you think it is?