Some time ago I stumbled across the Internet Rhyme Generator. You give it a first line, and it generates a four line poem for you. Most of the stuff it spews out is plain silly, but occasionally a diamond in the rough pops up. Here are some examples:
Smell my feet tomorrow
Go Speed Racer, go go GO!
And they took me away as I screeamed "no! no!"
The stench of death TAINTS EVERYTHING WE SAY OR DO
Western philosophy smiles on me
Evenings of peculiarity
And maybe then become how you must be (the gods hath chosen, and they hath chosen me)
Then again, what is time when you're in infinity?
Mendel quoth
We must root out the bastard commie finks
Reality is a staircase leading nowhere.
Just a shame he's firing blanks.
I suspect that most of the lines are taken from what other people have input over time, but it's fun to see how a computer program puts them together in sometimes surprising ways.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Mendel quoth
The other other shoe drops
Another day, another piece of mail from Poetry.com. Pardon me, this envelope says it is from The International Society of Poets. Coincidentally, they have the same address as Poetry.com. As you can see, this one is urgent! The enclosed letter reads, in part:
Dear Paul,
I'm sorry you will be unable to join us at the upcoming International Society of Poets' (they placed the apostrophe correctly this time) Annual Spring Convention and Symposium...
Odd that. I don't remember turning down an invitation to that event. I don't remember even receiving an invitation, although their previous letter said one was forthcoming. Perhaps 'I'm sorry you will be unable to attend' is simply their polite way of saying, "we decided not to invite you." They go on to say:
As you know, you were selected to be honored at this event, and we were looking forward to your presenting your poetic artistry in front of more than 1800 poets from over 50 countries who will be attending.
I have a question. If more than 1800 poets will be attending this 'Symposium,' how many turned them down? How many couldn't free up the time, or couldn't afford the admission fee (which this letter doesn't mention; I can only assume I've missed one), or the travelling costs? Just how many of these 'I'm sorry' letters do they send out annually?
However, because we don't want you to miss out on this unique opportunity altogether, we have arranged a way for you and your poetic accomplishments to be a part of this event in a major way, without you actually being present. Although you will be unable to participate in the convention contest..., you can receive all of the awards we have scheduled for you--including your custom-engraved Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Silver Award Bowl, your bronze Commemorative Award Medallion, and your Full One Year Membership into the International Society of Poets for 2005--if you allow us to present one of your poems at the convention in your place.
Incroyable! They are going to send me some fancy awards. Lucky me!
We have arranged for professional poetry readers to read your poem at this largest gathering of poets in history. Our readers will present your poem with imaginative style, so that your artistry receives the worldwide exposure and recognition that it deserves. Your poem will also be featured in printed form, proudly displayed in a special room at the convention that will be accessible to over 1800 attending poets and guests.
Professional poetry readers? Imaginative style? Worldwide exposure and recognition? This is where I think the letter goes a bit over the top. I would hope that most people's baloney detectors are starting to flash when they get to this part. Later on they say:
Paul, all that's required for us to immediately send you all of these Awards is for you to send us a poem to be formally presented at the convention.
Wait. Didn't I send you a poem already? That's how this whole thing started.
Additionally, because you will not be present, we must also ask you for the necessary funds ($169.00 plus p+h) to cover the costs of the time and effort required to present your poem before the convention attendees both aloud and in writing, and the costs incurred in insuring and shipping these extremely bulky and heavy Awards to you.
Ah. Finally we get to the part where they want me to part with some cold hard cash. A hundred and sixty-nine bucks, huh? I realise professional poetry readers don't come cheap, but how long can it take to read a 16 line poem? I know, imaginative style and all that, but still...? Once more, they save the best for last...
P.S. Your Outstanding Achievement in Poetry Silver Award Bowl, bronze Commemorative Award Medallion, decal, and patch will be shipped to you by Federal Express and will be accompanied by a 100%money back guarantee of your complete satisfaction. If for any reason you're not 100% delighted with your Awards, simply return them any time within 60 days of receipt for a full refund, no questions asked.
Waaaiiiit. You said the hundred and sixty-nine bucks was the "costs of the time and effort required to present my poem before the convention attendees." Now you're making it sound like I'm buying these Awards. Which is it?
Which do you think it is?
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Poetry.com lives!
Click here for a larger view.
So check it out, it's got my brilliant poem peeking through a plastic window at me, with that little copyright symbol setting my heart all aflutter. And, inside...
Again, click here for a larger image.
As you can see, this is an "artist's proof" of how my poem will appear in their latest anthology: Eternal Portraits. I love the "Excellent poem" note, printed in blue with a font that resembles hand writing. I think they stole that trick from Publishers Clearinghouse. The attached letter reads, in part:
Dear Paul,
After carfully reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our International Open Poetry Contest. Your poem will automatically be entered into the final competition held in February 2005. As a semi-finalist, you now have an excellent chance of winning one of 104 cash or gift prizes--including the $1,000.00 Grand Prize. You may even win the $10,000.00 Annual Grand Prize! We wish you the best of luck as you compete for these prizes in the coming weeks.
And that's not all...
Paul...Imagine Your Poem Featured
on a Page by Itself in a Beautiful Coffee-table Edition!
In celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we also wish to publish your poem on its own page in what promises to be one of the most highly regarded collections of poetry we have ever published...
Eternal Portraits
Eternal Portraits, scheduled for publication in Spring 2005, will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume--printed in two colors on fine-milled paper specifically selected to last for generations. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or a highly valued personal gift.
NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER
Before going any further, Paul, let me make one thing clear...your poem was selected for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of your unique talent and artistic vision. In this regard, you are under no obligation whatsoever to submit any entry fee, any subsidy payment, or to make any purchase of any kind. Of course, many people do wish to acquire a book that features their poetic artistry. If this is the case, we welcome your order--and guarantee your satisfaction. Please see the enclosed material for special discount information if you would like to order or reserve a copy of Eternal Portraits, with a small deposit.
...yada yada yada.
I love this letter. Every paragraph offers up a new delight. First, they say, "after carefully reading and discussing your poem..." Come on! You've read my poem (if you haven't, here it is). Do you really think any live human being at The International Library of Poetry really has, other than in passing as they stuffed the computer generated "artist's proof" page into an envelope? And, I'm sure there is some discussion involved: mainly in the lunch room as the envelope stuffers laugh it up with the stamp lickers over the most recent poetic drivel they've seen go by.
"And that's not all..." If you act now, we'll throw in this fabulous combination slicer/dicer/peeler/corer/masher/paint brush cleaner. "NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER." And then the other shoe drops. They're sure I'll want to own one of these delicious books, for only $49.95 American dollars, they reveal on the conveniently enclosed order form. They claim that my poem will be published in the anthology regardless, but if I don't order a copy, how will I know if that's true? Don't be fooled...no payee, no printee. Later in the letter, they offer the "opportunity" to have an artist's bio published on the page facing the poem. Of course, there is a nominal "typesetting fee" for that. Big surprise! The letter ends with this juicy tidbit:
P.P.S. As a poet chosen for publication, you will also be eligible to attend The International Society of Poet's(sic) Spring Convention and Symposium, to be held in Orlando, Florida, February 25-27, 2005. Keep the date, a formal invitaion will be sent to you soon.
They conveniently forget to make any mention of costs involved with attending said Convention and Symposium. For more information on these jokers, click on the Poetry.com link in the sidebar to see a google search results page for "poetry.com +scam." Interesting reading.
Oh yeah, the best part of the whole thing? The enclosed return envelope, in which they hope you send a cheque for potentially a case of 12 books for $369.00, is not postage paid. Nice.
